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Adoption: Is it for us?

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I first wrote about our journey way back at the beginning of March and, well, not much has changed! We are continuing to try to get pregnant with the basic efforts (temp taking and OPKs) and occasionally we talk about the ups and downs of adoption. I have done a some reading on the web but its only left me more confused and unsure about adoption. There are some wonderful posts about adoption from people who were adopted like Kristen Kardos at KIDOINFO and those who have adopted like Kelly over at The Miller Mix.  In fact the majority of information is positive. The problem is the negative stories are hard to ignore and seem to be getting in the way of really committing.

Ideally we would love to adopt a toddler but I have learned that the only way you can really do that is if you start out as a foster parent and hope that the mother is unsuccessful in getting her child back. It just doesn’t seem right to go into  a foster role with an agenda. If we didn’t have an almost four year old who wants more than anything to be a big sister, I think we could approach foster parenting with no expectations.  I would hate to put her through unnecessary heart ache at such a young age. If she were 8 or even 6 and could better understand the whole situation that would be different. Even then I’m not sure it would be worth it. So I don’t think foster to adoption is for us, not right now anyway.

And then domestic infant adoption seems wrought with uncertainty. First off, the  whole idea of selling ourselves feels very overwhelming. Then there are the stories of mothers pushed into making an adoption plan (amazingly it happens in this country too). It just seems the chances of finding someone who is sure enough of themselves to make an adoption plan with out regret is slim and then they would have to pick us out of the thousands of families waiting to adopt. And I can’t help think about those couples with no children and wonder if I should be competing with them when we already have an amazing child of our  own.

The main obstacle for us remains that any adoption journey is not a sure thing and as I said before, after being on the rollercoaster of infertility I’m just not ready to get on another rollercoaster. Maybe that’s why we just keep talking and haven’t taken any action. Maybe we just need a break. We need to recover from the first ride before we’ll know if we want to get on another one.


Written by realmom

May 20, 2010 at 6:33 am

3 Responses

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  1. Yes, adoption can be so complicated. You have lots of great insights–and I get your reservations. Just wanted to let you know that I have a friend who lives very close to you who adopted a newborn baby from RI (born at Women and Infants) and they had a 3 year old–they struggled with secondary infertility. All seems to be going well–the baby is about to turn 1! Their process went relatively quickly (under a year from start to finish). If you’d like to talk with her I can hook you two up. Also, Kristen Kardos is my very close friend and business partner–didn’t know if you made the connection. I’m so glad she wrote about her positive adoption story.
    Wishing you all the best on this journey!

    Kathy Mc

    May 26, 2010 at 6:53 am

  2. We discussed adoption too. I really liked the idea but my husband was on the fence. As someone who has experience with the process from both the parents’ and the child’s point of view, he felt that he knew too much about the pitfalls to make him comfortable going that route. Your observations seem similar and yet, I can understand your willingness not to totally forego that idea. My guess is that you can logically weigh all the pros and cons but in the end, you are going to find a path that FEELS the most right for you and your family. I wish you the best of luck in whichever path you choose.

  3. Oh, lady. I am a huge proponent of adoption, whether it’s through a private agency or via the foster system. If we have another child, it will be a foster-to-adopt.

    Just my 2 cents, but I don’t think going into a foster-to-adopt situation means you have any agendas other than wanting to love and provide a home for a child who needs it desperately. You may want to test the waters with the foster courses you must take to become a foster family. Usually you get a better idea of the situations going on and the likelihood of being matched with the age range of child you are most interested in.

    No matter what you decide, it makes me so happy that your heart is open to domestic adoption. And I feel blessed to have been in the position to show you the positive side of loving a child who came to your heart from a nontraditional path.


    May 31, 2010 at 2:20 am

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